The Self Deprecation of Amy Schumer

Hey everyone CreativeCunt here to give the inside scoop on the latest failure on Netflix since they started that autoplay bullshit. Though i'm not sure I should give them full credit on this one, after all it was Amy Schumer who dug her own grave as a stand-up comic. Netflix just supported her denial in her dysfunctional, self hating, pity party she likes to call being "brave". Now I'm sure you've all watched the YouTubers rant and read the blogs, both savagely bashing Amy as well as feminist carebears defending her. Although they are entertaining as well as funny, unlike Amy Schumer try as she might, not one of them seem to give any real, deep, honest psychological analysis of the infamous Mrs Potato Head. Don't worry though my fiendish friends I'll still try my best to keep the fun and games of the bashing parade going throughout this article. However, I do want to take this unique opportunity to give you what I feel the Amy articles are sorely lacking, the sad reality of Amy Schumer. You see I have some personal experience with women like her, grew up around them in fact. No I'm not from long island but you can find basic bitches like her just about anywhere. Even trashy hoes like her come in conservative christian packaging as well as feminazi libtard editions, and believe me when I tell you they are really not all different from each other. Let me break it down for you.

Picture a 14 year old girl in Utah being forced to constantly attend events with "adult" white women in a conservative republican Mormon neighborhood and then fast forward to that same girl in her early 20's in Florida going to similar get together's surrounded by Trump signs on every lawn. Now imagine that this girl is real and her name is CreativeCunt and these are her "credentials" and experiences with white middle aged conservative female psychology. No I don't actually have a psychology degree, I have something better. I have an entire lifetime of people like my mother, trying to turn me into one of these hopeless freaks. Oh yes I remember the "book clubs" the "sewing clubs" the "candle parties" the "food tastings" and the cliche "Tupperware parties". But most especially I remember the "we are are actually a bunch of alcohol, Xanax addicted, unfulfilled, religious, suicidal soccer moms, sipping on wine while desperately and unconvincingly parroting to each other about how much we just looooove our husbands and looooove our kids and our nonexistent sex lives." Not to mention Jesus, don't forget to keep praying to Jesus to make the crushing reality that death is better than this living hell you call the American dream.

Now to all of this you might say, "but hey CreativeCunt you forgot how different Amy is from these women because she is sexually liberated and has the magical movement of feminism to help her avoid becoming a depressed soccer mom who is on the brink of going insane and drowning her 5 children in a bathtub". Well yes and no. Yes perhaps, she is not having to deal with being pressured by her community into motherhood or Jesus, but like nearly all self hating hoes with mommy and/or daddy issues she still suffers the wrath of her own self destructive behaviors due to extremely low self esteem, body image issues and just a general denial of how much she hates her life. But to be fair I to would most likely feel somewhat the same way if I looked exactly like Timothy Spall as Peter Pettigrew from Harry Potter.

Lets be real ladies there is just not enough make up, dieting or feminism on god's green earth to fix those cringy looking hamster teeth combined with a potato Jesus face. But even with that being said there is nothing stopping her from just not being trashy and unfunny except for that large gaping empty hole she's got that she is desperately trying to fill. And no I'm not talking about her overly used and stretched pussy. Also Amy if you are reading this, I'm not talking about your asshole either. Face it Amy your glory days of basic bitching around the clubs and one night stands where you would just lay there on your back like a lumpy taxidermy dog are over. Instead of going the nightmarish conservative Christian Jesus marriage route you just traded in your self hating, wine and Xanax fueled emptiness for liberal feminist self hating, wine and Xanax fueled emptiness. Not to mention a man that you cant satisfy due to a lack of BJ skills. You yourself said that he hates you and he most likely will dump you soon. To which I'm sure all the women of the world will band together to help put a useless salve of "I'm a strong, brave, forever alone feminist" who I am supposed to believe can satisfy her own basic needs, both sexually and otherwise, despite the fact that she admits no man can regardless of how often they anally pound her manatee shaped ass flaps.

Honestly its not so much the whoring around itself that has got me seeing her in such a degrading way but the sheer obvious fact that like her precious wine which she acts like is her baby on stage, its simply just one of many unnecessary substances she addictively stuffs all of her holes with to fill the invisible one like how Julia Childs unforgivingly stuffs a thanksgiving turkey. No matter how many times you let someone stuff your turkey Amy it will never replace the gibletly life you might have once had, I promise you that. And no matter how much food you stuff down your gullet like a starving pelican you'll never be full of that satisfaction you seek. But most of all Amy, you are without a shred of a doubt never going to have enough nights of binge drinking, Xanax mixing blackouts to forget, numb or get over the fact that you are unfortunately Amy Schumer. My only advice is to either learn to live with that social handicap of cringiness or learn to give proper head and lose the weight so that at least some men will be able to stomach fucking you face to face in your peehole. Then again it may just be time to throw in the towel and finally come out to the world. After all we all know your secret already Amy "Schumer" or should I say Shamu-mer! We all saw you and caught you red finned this time, the "leather" special was it? Those nude photos you claim are both brave and nude are all photoshopped. You're not fooling anyone at this point, that leather "dress" you were wearing wasn't leather at all was it? Of course not! You were naked on stage the whole time! So at last my biggest word of advice to you is to stop the charade of lies you have spread and move past the traumas we've all witnessed in the black fish documentary. You don't have to go back to SeaWorld Amy no one is suggesting that but this nonsense has to stop. Just like Free Willy you must soar free back into the ocean where you belong. Go home Amy and be the big beautiful whale you were meant to be, or just keep making a damn fool of yourself I suppose. I personally enjoyed the early April fools day joke of Shamu trying to trick us with her silly hijinks; maybe if you keep up the eating and drinking you can someday convince yourself that you're an actual human woman with comedic value and not just a lonely whale doing worthless flips in the pool for acknowledgement.